Creating a ?Handmaid? Wedding

As you start to think about your wedding, you may have some ideal visions of where you?d like your ceremony to take place, what kind of food you want to serve and music you want to play, even how many guests you want to be with you for your wedding day. Unfortunately for too many contemporary couples, the reality of the price tag for what their ideal wedding would cost dashes these dreams. The wedding industry in the st1 />United States is a multi-billion dollar business, with average weddings costing tens of thousands of dollars. For couples who don?t have this kind of money to spend, it may initially feel like the wedding they desire is far beyond the reach of their budget.

Fortunately, if you find yourself in this position, there are plenty of alternatives to eloping to Vegas or visiting City Hall. Many couples who are short and cash?and also those who philosophically oppose spending such huge sums of money on a one-day event?are creating beautiful, authentic ?handmaid? weddings that utilize their friends and families creative strengths and so cost just a fraction of the cost of a wedding staged by all professional vendors. Intrigued? Read on for more how-to tips.

Assess the Skills

Weddings?and other happy occasions?often bring out our sense of generosity and giving in sometimes surprising ways. When one of my best friends was planning her wedding, her rather difficult mother-to-in-law-to-be offered to embroider her chuppah (Jewish wedding canopy) with a very ornate pattern. My friend happily agreed and during the rest of the wedding planning, she and her mother-in-law had peace. My friend realized that by honoring her creative gifts of embroidering, her mother-in-law felt involved, appreciated and part of things. She had less need to involve herself in other minute details. Everyone was happy, and my friend was married under a breathtaking chuppah, to boot.

Sit down with your partner and brainstorm about the people in your life: what are their special skills and abilities? Jot down the names of family and friends who enjoy and are skilled at any of the following arts:

• Music/Dance: Singing, playing an instrument, conducting, dance, choreography
• Visual Arts: Drawing, painting, calligraphy, sculpture
• Dramatic Arts: Performing, Storytelling, Directing
• Needlecraft: Quilting, Sewing, Dressmaking, Embroidery
• Technical Arts: Web design, Powerpoint, Slide Shows
• Other Arts/Crafts: Stenciling, Baking, Scrapbooking, Flower Arranging

Once you have your list, think about whom it would be reasonable to ask for help. You want to be thoughtful and not put anyone on the spot. If you know, for example, that someone has been having health problems or has a new child, you might want to hold off on asking them for help. But other folks?who have some time and are able to help?may feel delighted and honored to play a part in your happy event.

No Reason To Be Tacky

When creating a ?handmaid? wedding, it?s vital to be conscious of how you ask people to give, so that they don?t feel that they?re put on the spot or are being used in an unfair way. Think about ways that you can ask for their help so that everyone feels okay with the deal. For example, when my husband and I were planning our wedding, we imagined a simple invitation design featuring our original wording and a picture of a lotus flower. We asked my friend Laurie, an artist, if she would be willing to create the invitation design for us. We let her know that we would be happy to pay her for her work. Laurie instead asked if we would think of her design as her wedding present to us. It was a win-win situation. Laurie was in graduate school at the time, and the cost of a typical wedding present would have been difficult for her to come up with. We let Laurie know how much we valued her time and work as an artist, and in turn she happily created a most meaningful wedding gift for us.

Asking of people can be a bit more tricky if you have friends/family who are already involved in the wedding industry. If your best friend from college is a professional djay, the last thing he may want to do is djay for you on his day off. Talk openly and upfront with anyone who is a professional to make sure that you are not taking their skills for granted. Say something open like, ?It would be great to have you djay for our party, but I can understand if you don?t want to feel like you?re working.? See what your friend says. Maybe he has a buddy who will come help you out, for a great discounted rate. It never hurts to ask, as long as you?re tactful. One of my friends has several professional musicians in her family, and they each played a couple of songs at her party. None of them felt like they were working the whole night, and the gift of their live music energized the crowd. They each ended up playing a few more songs than they agreed to, because the vibe was so appreciative of them.

Treat Your Family/Friends Like Professionals

If you are going to ask people to help you with your wedding, make sure to treat them with the consummate respect that you would give a professional. If they are doing a crafts project for you, for example, make sure to give them plenty of time so that they don?t feel rushed to the finish line. Offer to buy all of the materials and help them out in any way that will make their work easier.

Don?t skimp on giving your helpers a really lovely thank you; write them a personal note expressing your gratitude and pick out a meaningful gift for them. It doesn?t need to be something expensive, but should be something that recognizes the importance of what they did for you. You might select a book about one of their interests or even a gift certificate to a place they enjoy shopping. Make sure to honor those who helped you in a public way by thanking them in your wedding program and even thanking them out loud with a toast at your reception.

Your wedding may feel more personal and unique to you as a couple as a result of closely involving friends and families, rather than relying on vendors alone. An added benefit may be how much more all of your guests feel connected and invested in your wedding, as they see firsthand all of the thoughtfulness and care that was put in by your loved ones. You do not have to buy into the wedding industry?s message that a wedding need to cost more than your first down payment on a home. Think handmaid, authentic, down-to-earth?real.

By Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer

Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer is the author of The Creative Jewish Wedding Book, available at http://www.creativejewishwedding.com/, which helps Jewish and interfaith couples find creative ways to express their individuality and creativity.